Hello and welcome back to the rants provided by the hungry damned. In this issue we’ll pick up where we left off in the same format. Let’s get started.
1. Ordering a glass of water is not free to the restaurant. On average it costs $1.08 to serve you that glass of water which really isn’t doing much to counter the negative effects of the high fat, high carb meal you are consuming and certainly generates no revenue on which you should in all fairness be tipping on. Whilst on the subject of perceived freebies, bread, biscuits, rolls, and snacks in general are not free. They are provided to help fill the time before your appetizer or meal arrives. That means if you haven’t placed your order; don’t expect the fillers to be served.
2. Most restaurants have pests, as do most other business’s dealing with food or food storage. So if you see a mouse, roach, or any other pest for that matter, don’t expect to get your meal for free. The fact of the matter is that the restaurant is probably cleaner than your home (which I am sure has never had a pest of any kind) as they are subject to extensive health department inspections and stringent licensing requirements. In addition most restaurants are subject to internal inspections by a third party which are far more intensive than those of the county or state. We spend many thousands of dollars every month to control the problem as eliminating pests in this kind of environment is impossible.
3. The old saying “you get what you pay for” is absolutely true. If you go out to a casual dining restaurant and order a meal that has shrimp in it don’t expect to get a half pound of shrimp and only pay $10.00. It’s unrealistic and isn’t going to change no matter how much you complain. The recipe is what the recipe is. Once again I need to mention that food scientists work long and hard to come up with menu items that have a specific texture, look, and flavor profile. New items take up to a year to make it to the menu. They are tested, reworked, and tested again until the test population approves them. Then they are subject to months of market planning and finally phased into the menu.
4. When you walk into a restaurant at 7pm expect to wait. The hostess will tell you how long the approximate wait is and you should not be back at Host podium asking how much longer until after the quoted time has passed if you have not already been seated. The time quoted is an estimate based on the expected departure of guests already dining. If they hang out for long periods of time then obviously the wait will be longer. This is something that we have no control over and getting angry and rude is not going to get you sat any faster. If you walk in with a large group, let’s say more than 8, you are going to have to wait longer and the likelihood of the quote being off is much greater as a party of that size will require several tables beside each other and we are not going hold tables for long periods of time to accommodate you. The restaurant generates much more income from turning those tables than it does from your party that is going to run the server to death, special order everything, and then leave a ten percent tip.
5. If the restaurant is out of something that you want, TOUGH. Asking to see a manager about the situation is not going to magically make that item appear. We know that we are out of the item. We don’t need to hear your mouth running on and on about it. At the end your rant we are still out. You are not the only guest of the restaurant and we certainly aren’t saving a portion of your requested dish just for you in the back somewhere. Get over it and order something else or go elsewhere, like a grocery store that may have what you want.
6. If you are a regular visitor to a certain restaurant and always request a specific server, then treat that server as you would a friend or family member. They work very hard making sure you visit was pleasurable and clearly do things that make you want them again and again. They provide you that kind of service to make money. You do realize that servers only make $3.08 per hour don't you? The rest of their ability to live depends on you tipping appropriately (that’s a minimum of 20 percent for those of you that don’t know). It’s very simple to calculate a tip. Here’s an example and I’ll use nice even numbers for you. If your bill is $50.00 dollars then your tip should be a minimum of$10.00. $50.00 x 10%= $5.00 x2 (to make 20 percent) = $10.00. It’s very simple stuff. Use your brain.
7. If your service is good then let that reflect in your tip. While your “great service” comments are appreciated, the appropriate tip would be more appreciated.
8. When you walk into a restaurant and the staff says welcome and hello, don’t respond by holding up 2 fingers indicating that there are two of you dining, say hello, how are you? When the staff says bye, have a nice evening, say thank you, you as well. Since we are talking about etiquette, HANG UP THE PHONE. Talking on the phone is rude to the staff you are ignoring, others at your table, and certainly to those around you trying to enjoy their dinner. No one wants to hear that Joe Blow at work is an idiot. You can live without your phone for the limited time that you should be in the restaurant.
9. You should never take it upon yourselves to complain to a manager about something that doesn’t affect you. If you notice something that you think is wrong at another table, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. If that table wishes to speak with a manager they will ask to do so.
10. People often leave things at the restaurant and then are angry when we can’t find the lost item. You are responsible for your things. If you leave them behind it’s on you. Credit cards are a different issue as they get left a lot, how is beyond me but it happens every day. If you do leave your card the manager almost always has it in the office. Don’t call during peak hours asking for a manager. We are too busy to come to the phone to answer a question about your own stupidity. Calls for the manager should only be made before or after volume periods. Volume periods are 11:30am to 2pm and 5pm to 8:30pm for those of you that don’t know.
11. Singing of birthday songs is an added bonus to your experience. Some restaurants sing, other don’t, some have designated singers, some no singers at all. We don’t owe you anything. Sometimes it is just too busy for all those shenanigans or there just isn’t a singer around. Whatever the case you shouldn’t have those expectations and certainly shouldn’t be calling corporate to complain. Get a grip.
12. People that have large parties; say 20 or more shouldn’t go to a restaurant. Let me break it down for you.
· The revenue generated from your party is far less than that generated by turning those tables.
· Your party is going to “crash” the kitchen. The kitchen can only prepare a certain number of meals during a given time frame and you expect all of your meals to be served simultaneously, all the while other guest orders are coming in that will be delayed by your party. The other guests will begin to complain resulting in comps which is more revenue lost as a result of your clam bake.
13. People in the hospitality industry are not there for you to abuse. Most servers fall into 3 categories. Second job for various reasons, college kids, or career servers. They deserve respect and are not just some amusing trolls for you to belittle. Remember that the server you harass today may be the Doctor that saves your life in the future. In my restaurant alone I have a plastic surgeon in the making, several with masters in business, an aeronautical engineer, a structural engineer, several marketing majors, a nurse, a paid actor and various others. These folks are well educated and without them you’d have to cook at home, and wouldn’t that be a tragedy.
14. Once again today I caught some little brat writing on the rest room wall and stuffing paper towels in the urinal. If your child doesn’t know how to act in public then leave them home or put them on a leash. It is incredibly inconvenient to deal with your misbehaved children not to mention the HUGE liability that they become when they are away from you and out of sight. There are many ways in which a child can be injured in a restaurant. Keep an eye on those kids.
15. Keep complaining to corporate. All those little unjustified complaints will get you coupons or gift certificates. You know that which is why you do it. As soon as you get all your friends on board and doing the same the prices will go up to the point that the cost of operating the restaurant will exceed the revenue generated and eventually it will be shut down and then what? You’ll pick a new favorite and repeat the process until you are forced to eat at home. So that you have more insight, there is a black list and eventually you will be on it. Every time you call your complaint is logged, matched to receipts and a file started. After a few calls you are black listed and will receive no compensation. Trust me, it’s out there. Watch out.
16. If you pay with a credit card, don’t call the bank and try to stop payment. We have the receipts. We just fax them over and you end up paying for it anyway while creating a bunch of unnecessary work for the bank and the restaurant, all of which add up to… You guessed it, higher prices.
Well that’s it for this edition. Chew on that America, see you next time
Mr. Restaurant
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