Land of Lawsuits

In many states it is required by law that people in the hospitality business attend responsible alcohol service classes. I just had the pleasure of sitting through the class again to be recertified and the class began to discuss “Dram Shop” laws. For those of you that don’t know, this law allows a third party to sue bartenders, servers, restaurant managers, bar managers, and bar and restaurant owners for damages caused by an intoxicated individual and allows those listed to be charged with criminal charges resulting in fines and jail terms. I never dreamed that I would have to carry a twenty million dollar blanket liability insurance policy and keep a lawyer on retainer just for doing my job. If heaven forbid, a guest left my restaurant after consuming a drink or two and was involved in an accident, I could go to jail. Never mind that I personally never even saw that guest in the restaurant much less served the alcohol to the guest or that the guest was possibly on some prescription medication, I am still liable. What’s wrong with this picture? The recent death of an intoxicated pro ball player killed when his vehicle crashed into the back of a tow truck was brought up. His family is suing the bartender, the bar owner, and a tow truck driver that was assisting a disabled motorist. Enough is enough. I think these people should counter sue. Sue the parents for being bad parents and failing to properly educate their child on the dangers of alcohol and driving, sue the liquor and beer manufacturers for making the stuff, sue the state for allowing alcohol sales, heck why we’re at it sue the federal government for repealing prohibition. Where does it end? This isn’t meant to be disrespectful to anyone that has lost a loved one due to a drunk driver but the American legal system has become a bad joke and personal responsibility void. I am a smoker and I think I am going to sue my parents for smoking when I was a child and not properly warning me of the dangers of tobacco, as it is one of the most addictive drugs ever discovered. I’m going to sue every store that ever sold me cigarettes while I was underage for feeding my addiction, every bar, restaurant and club that allowed me to smoke on their premises, the tobacco growers, cigarette producers, the state for allowing sales of tobacco, and the federal government for not making nicotine a controlled substance. I have also been considering suing those involved with caffeine production and distribution, any establishment that sells fried food contributing to my heart disease, auto manufacturers and drivers causing the pollution that is destroying my lung tissue The point and sad truth is that suing all those people listed is my right as an American and that a good lawyer will find 12 idiots to sit on a jury that agrees with me and will award me multimillion dollar damages award. God help us all, or shall we sue him next…..see you all in court


Mr. Restaurant

Should I tip or drive a Lamborghini? That is the Question

If this is a question that you have to ask yourself then you probably should stay home and guard your precious car with all the ferocity of a wolverine and not wander into a restaurant with 20 of your closest friends chalking up a $400 tab and leaving a 13% tip on exceptional service. Of course Mr. Money Bags strolls into a casual dining restaurant apparently expecting 5 star service after causing a spectacle in the parking lot and making sure everyone knew the Lambo was his. The meal started out strong with drinks all around, lots of joking and great feedback for the server. Then when it's time to ante up, Mr. Money Bags is all of the sudden cheap. Perhaps that car note hits a little hard each month. I wonder if the server will make his, poor guy, as he did give up all of his tables for the night to take care of Lambo Boy and his drones which sat for several hours. Hmmm I wonder......



Mr. Restaurant

Special order this!

Tonight I did the unimaginable. I did something none of you could fathom, something that has apparently never crossed your mind. I went out to eat! That’s right. Restaurant managers are customers too. I went to this great little Chinese restaurant that I frequent once or twice a month and I was greeted at my table by a waitress that had only waited on my guest and I once before and the most amazing thing happened. She asked if we would like iced tea to drink. After bringing us our tea she asked if we were going to have the Mongolian bar-b-que just as we had last time! (She even remembered our respective soup choices, WOW!!!) She remembered us. Not because we made asses of ourselves in the past but because we tipped 30 percent; appreciated her fine service, and treated her with the dignity and respect that she deserves. Now mind you there have been times I have eaten there that the food wasn't perfect but the service was great. I take good care of the servers and they take care of me. Funny how that works, huh? She once again earned my hard earned dollars and will be my server of choice in the future.
There was a family of 6 eating and one of the ladies got the Mongolian bar-b-que. Now this family needed a few more table manners but overall, they were alright minus the mouthy children making fun of the Asian staff and the use of chopsticks. For those of you that don’t know, Mongolian bar-b-que is a buffet style dish that you create by adding the vegetables, meat, and sauces that you like and then the cook flash cooks the ingredients on a specialized flat wok and then you eat it over rice. YOU CREATE YOUR OWN MEAL. The lady that ordered the bar-b-que asked to see the manager as she didn’t like the food and felt she shouldn’t pay and then got Bitchy when the manager told her that she created it and still offered to get something else. The manager explained that Mongolian bar-b-que is the same thing as a special order and there is no comping of special orders. The lady asked for the owners name and as it turned out the manager was the owner. No big corporation to bilk, no one else to bitch to. The final word came down. TOUGH! The old lady screeched she’d never be back. The owner had that pleasant look of thank God, one less nasty, mean, rude customer to deal with, that in the long run would end up costing much more than she’s worth (this takes into account actual revenue and mental anguish caused by such unreasonable asses). What am I missing? This makes no sense. At what point did the restaurant owner become liable for your stupidity? This is no different than the create your own seafood feast or create your own pasta found at other main stream casual restaurants.
You make it; you eat it, well at least pay for it and keep chewing on this.

Mr. Restaurant

Coupon? What coupon?

It seems as though some of you damned people haven't a clue what a coupon is and how it works. A coupon is a printed certificate usually found in newspapers. This certificate allows you to receive an item for free or at a reduced price. In order to get the discount or freebie you must trade in the printed certificate. If you get the newspaper and find a coupon for twenty cents off your favorite cheese, soup, or whatever, you must take that coupon with you to the grocery market to get the savings. Have you ever tried to buy something at the market that you had a coupon for but forgot the coupon at home? The clerk will look at you as if you are crazy. No matter how much you insist you have a coupon, without trading it in, you pay full price. The same should be true in a restaurant but you scream, holler, and cause a scene, standing firmly on your position that you have the coupon at home and are indeed entitled to the savings. If the manager doesn't give in, you call corporate, getting those gift cards mentioned in a previous issue. How silly is this? It's your responsibility to bring the coupon with you to the restaurant. If you don't, pay full price and shut the hell up, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Speaking of entitlement, why is it that you people seem to think that you are entitled to act like freaks in public? As a result of your self entitlement I feel I am entitled to kick you in the ass when you are acting like one.You aren't entitled to anything except to be treated as you treat others, that's it, everything else in life is earned. There is no reason in the world to not be polite. Even if you encounter a problem there is no reason to be mean and rude and if polite isn't in your vocabulary then at least have the decency to use your manners. The general rule of thumb is that if you would not want your family, friends, or employer to read about your behavior in the newspaper that you clipped the coupon out of that you left at home then don't do it.
Keep chewing America, see ya soon.


Mr. Restaurant

Black List

The following is a list of known bad tippers. Be sure to submit any names that you have so that others will be on the look out. Of course this won't really change anything and it's not like we are actually going to scrutinize every credit card but it will make me feel better to let the world know that these individuals are cheap. Names on this list are people that failed to tip at least 18%. I don't care how you get the names, just get them, and we'll list them here to be shamed for all eternity.

Robert Schaeffer, Puran Nebhnani, Magdalena Guiles, Robert Maguire, Jason Matthews, William Rice, Sunja Kil, JD McCoy, Fred Cobb, Jian Zhang, Kenneth Dymond, Kevin Hanson,
Andrea Johnson, Clark Pa, Lauren Benjamin, Monica Broholm, Kathleen Talbot, Neintzu Chao, Michael Puffett, Michael Pulick, Jimmy Adamos

Does it ever end? NAH!

I guess by now some you are thinking that I hate the American public and that I should be thankful for you damned people coming out to eat, keeping me in a job and all. The reality is that only a small percentage, much larger than we’d like, cause most of the problems. I was told by a friend that this blog was off course as I should be educating the public, not criticizing them. This is my blog, just a fun way to vent and be somewhat catty and harsh. Now granted this is a great platform by which to inform and educate but what fun is that? With that said it's time to get back to the good stuff.
Today a lady entered the restaurant to pick up a credit card she had called the day before to verify that we had. The lady actually left her card about a month ago, by her own admission, and she had not called to cancel the card when she couldn’t locate it. She had actually spent a month contacting every place she had visited. It took her 30 days! Come on, how much does this chick shop? I’d hate to be her husband. While I was retrieving the card the lady began to question my hostess as to why we hadn’t tried to call her. The hostess asked politely how we would have known her number (as it isn’t printed on the card). The woman responded by screeching “we’re in the phone book”! Are you kidding me? As mentioned in the previous issue, people leave credit cards all the time and we surely do not have the time to go hunting down missing credit card holders. The lady then went on preaching to me about how it just isn’t good business to not try and make a 10 second phone call and said that had the server not kept her card she wouldn’t have left it behind. Listen up Mrs. Lawrence T., how about you take responsibility for your own actions. You walked out of the restaurant without your credit card. Your behavior was absolutely comical and thanks you for giving everyone in the restaurant something to talk about for years to come. I shall never forget you. Oh and so you know, the Barney purple tennis suit clashed horribly with your Lexus SUV.
Almost immediately after the absurd Mrs. Lawrence T. left the restaurant in walked the Queen of the trailer park with her unwed, very pregnant teen daughter pushing a baby buggy with her 10 month old (is she catholic or what?) and proceeded to hold up two fingers never acknowledging verbally the hostess’s greeting. As if that wasn’t rude enough, she demanded to be sat someplace other than where the hostess was trying to seat her. Then for the icing on the cake, they ordered 2 waters and split a salad and entrée. Geez, people really should read this blog more often; all of this was addressed in previous issues. Take out a loan and buy a clue folks.
Later while I was unclogging the towel stuffed urinal, compliments of the little brat in jean overalls with roller skate shoes (the very same brat that repeatedly wrote on the floor with crayons while his clueless mother sat chatting with man 30 years her senior) an elderly gentleman began to lecture me because the newspapers posted above the urinals are too close to the urinal user and informed me that one would have to be near sighted to read it. Umm, you aren’t actually in the restroom to read a newspaper are you? I know I personally get all my news from the urinals in restaurant restrooms. Is there nothing you people won’t complain about? We’re talking about being able to read while urinating. I’m really not seeing the issue. Be nice old man your number’s coming up, you want to get into heaven don’t you?
So there’s the latest and greatest. Have no doubt that the American public will never fail to provide things to write about. There would have been more but it’s late. What? It was American Idol night (which I almost missed because you people wouldn’t go home). Keep coming back for more to chew on. Goodnight, sleep tight.

Mr. Restaurant

Chew on this

Hello and welcome back to the rants provided by the hungry damned. In this issue we’ll pick up where we left off in the same format. Let’s get started.
1. Ordering a glass of water is not free to the restaurant. On average it costs $1.08 to serve you that glass of water which really isn’t doing much to counter the negative effects of the high fat, high carb meal you are consuming and certainly generates no revenue on which you should in all fairness be tipping on. Whilst on the subject of perceived freebies, bread, biscuits, rolls, and snacks in general are not free. They are provided to help fill the time before your appetizer or meal arrives. That means if you haven’t placed your order; don’t expect the fillers to be served.
2. Most restaurants have pests, as do most other business’s dealing with food or food storage. So if you see a mouse, roach, or any other pest for that matter, don’t expect to get your meal for free. The fact of the matter is that the restaurant is probably cleaner than your home (which I am sure has never had a pest of any kind) as they are subject to extensive health department inspections and stringent licensing requirements. In addition most restaurants are subject to internal inspections by a third party which are far more intensive than those of the county or state. We spend many thousands of dollars every month to control the problem as eliminating pests in this kind of environment is impossible.
3. The old saying “you get what you pay for” is absolutely true. If you go out to a casual dining restaurant and order a meal that has shrimp in it don’t expect to get a half pound of shrimp and only pay $10.00. It’s unrealistic and isn’t going to change no matter how much you complain. The recipe is what the recipe is. Once again I need to mention that food scientists work long and hard to come up with menu items that have a specific texture, look, and flavor profile. New items take up to a year to make it to the menu. They are tested, reworked, and tested again until the test population approves them. Then they are subject to months of market planning and finally phased into the menu.
4. When you walk into a restaurant at 7pm expect to wait. The hostess will tell you how long the approximate wait is and you should not be back at Host podium asking how much longer until after the quoted time has passed if you have not already been seated. The time quoted is an estimate based on the expected departure of guests already dining. If they hang out for long periods of time then obviously the wait will be longer. This is something that we have no control over and getting angry and rude is not going to get you sat any faster. If you walk in with a large group, let’s say more than 8, you are going to have to wait longer and the likelihood of the quote being off is much greater as a party of that size will require several tables beside each other and we are not going hold tables for long periods of time to accommodate you. The restaurant generates much more income from turning those tables than it does from your party that is going to run the server to death, special order everything, and then leave a ten percent tip.
5. If the restaurant is out of something that you want, TOUGH. Asking to see a manager about the situation is not going to magically make that item appear. We know that we are out of the item. We don’t need to hear your mouth running on and on about it. At the end your rant we are still out. You are not the only guest of the restaurant and we certainly aren’t saving a portion of your requested dish just for you in the back somewhere. Get over it and order something else or go elsewhere, like a grocery store that may have what you want.
6. If you are a regular visitor to a certain restaurant and always request a specific server, then treat that server as you would a friend or family member. They work very hard making sure you visit was pleasurable and clearly do things that make you want them again and again. They provide you that kind of service to make money. You do realize that servers only make $3.08 per hour don't you? The rest of their ability to live depends on you tipping appropriately (that’s a minimum of 20 percent for those of you that don’t know). It’s very simple to calculate a tip. Here’s an example and I’ll use nice even numbers for you. If your bill is $50.00 dollars then your tip should be a minimum of$10.00. $50.00 x 10%= $5.00 x2 (to make 20 percent) = $10.00. It’s very simple stuff. Use your brain.
7. If your service is good then let that reflect in your tip. While your “great service” comments are appreciated, the appropriate tip would be more appreciated.
8. When you walk into a restaurant and the staff says welcome and hello, don’t respond by holding up 2 fingers indicating that there are two of you dining, say hello, how are you? When the staff says bye, have a nice evening, say thank you, you as well. Since we are talking about etiquette, HANG UP THE PHONE. Talking on the phone is rude to the staff you are ignoring, others at your table, and certainly to those around you trying to enjoy their dinner. No one wants to hear that Joe Blow at work is an idiot. You can live without your phone for the limited time that you should be in the restaurant.
9. You should never take it upon yourselves to complain to a manager about something that doesn’t affect you. If you notice something that you think is wrong at another table, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. If that table wishes to speak with a manager they will ask to do so.
10. People often leave things at the restaurant and then are angry when we can’t find the lost item. You are responsible for your things. If you leave them behind it’s on you. Credit cards are a different issue as they get left a lot, how is beyond me but it happens every day. If you do leave your card the manager almost always has it in the office. Don’t call during peak hours asking for a manager. We are too busy to come to the phone to answer a question about your own stupidity. Calls for the manager should only be made before or after volume periods. Volume periods are 11:30am to 2pm and 5pm to 8:30pm for those of you that don’t know.
11. Singing of birthday songs is an added bonus to your experience. Some restaurants sing, other don’t, some have designated singers, some no singers at all. We don’t owe you anything. Sometimes it is just too busy for all those shenanigans or there just isn’t a singer around. Whatever the case you shouldn’t have those expectations and certainly shouldn’t be calling corporate to complain. Get a grip.
12. People that have large parties; say 20 or more shouldn’t go to a restaurant. Let me break it down for you.
· The revenue generated from your party is far less than that generated by turning those tables.
· Your party is going to “crash” the kitchen. The kitchen can only prepare a certain number of meals during a given time frame and you expect all of your meals to be served simultaneously, all the while other guest orders are coming in that will be delayed by your party. The other guests will begin to complain resulting in comps which is more revenue lost as a result of your clam bake.

13. People in the hospitality industry are not there for you to abuse. Most servers fall into 3 categories. Second job for various reasons, college kids, or career servers. They deserve respect and are not just some amusing trolls for you to belittle. Remember that the server you harass today may be the Doctor that saves your life in the future. In my restaurant alone I have a plastic surgeon in the making, several with masters in business, an aeronautical engineer, a structural engineer, several marketing majors, a nurse, a paid actor and various others. These folks are well educated and without them you’d have to cook at home, and wouldn’t that be a tragedy.
14. Once again today I caught some little brat writing on the rest room wall and stuffing paper towels in the urinal. If your child doesn’t know how to act in public then leave them home or put them on a leash. It is incredibly inconvenient to deal with your misbehaved children not to mention the HUGE liability that they become when they are away from you and out of sight. There are many ways in which a child can be injured in a restaurant. Keep an eye on those kids.
15. Keep complaining to corporate. All those little unjustified complaints will get you coupons or gift certificates. You know that which is why you do it. As soon as you get all your friends on board and doing the same the prices will go up to the point that the cost of operating the restaurant will exceed the revenue generated and eventually it will be shut down and then what? You’ll pick a new favorite and repeat the process until you are forced to eat at home. So that you have more insight, there is a black list and eventually you will be on it. Every time you call your complaint is logged, matched to receipts and a file started. After a few calls you are black listed and will receive no compensation. Trust me, it’s out there. Watch out.
16. If you pay with a credit card, don’t call the bank and try to stop payment. We have the receipts. We just fax them over and you end up paying for it anyway while creating a bunch of unnecessary work for the bank and the restaurant, all of which add up to… You guessed it, higher prices.
Well that’s it for this edition. Chew on that America, see you next time


Mr. Restaurant